DANGEROUSLY ADDICTIVE.

||ll||l|lll||l|
observation de vous;

observation de moi
on isolé tiennent le premier rôle
vous ne savez pas qui vous êtes
j'ai vous ai toujours aimé
mais vous avez pris mon amour pour accordé
parole au revoir

the 4 hearts

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i need a getaway. ALAN. screams.

so no more drinks for the rest of the fucking year. screw you '07! dammit. now i need a drink badly. someone start sponsoring me cigarettes!

you know i'll always run to him no matter what. even if he doesn't let me draw on his arms, or entertain my nonsense, or even if we argue and fight like no one's business, or even if the lies continue till always. i don't need one who drives, don't even need one with his own car. but i do need one who knows me more than i know myself. i do need one who'll bother waking me up from my deep delusion. i do need one i feel so comfortable with, that when i dance and no matter how i dance, he'll be the one complementing my moves. he'll guide me through it all, fast or slow, lead me all the way. and let me shine. then i know i'll never lose contact with his hands, and drop this facade only when i'm with him. you know that but you can't get rid of the feelings that you already have? let it die.

happened to chance across some clubbing videos. are we always so awful when we're tipsy all?

you know i love him.

- everything's just temporary;
8:16 PM

Saturday, April 21, 2007

firstly and foremostly, i'd like to apologise sincerely to these following people.

daddy -- i'm sorry i didn't listen to you and for disappointing you. yet, i've to thank you for not being angry, and for being terribly understanding when i told you the lessons i've learnt. i love you daddy.

mommy -- i'm sorry i messed up the place real bad.

alan -- i'm sorry for putting you through it all for me last night. i'm sorry you stayed up so late and got all worried. i'm truly sorry. i'm sorry for disappointing you and spoiling your supposedly fun night too. i know from the botton of my heart, if you were there, everything would have never happened. you'll always be the best. (:

yean lih -- i'm sorry for biting your arm real bad. i still remembered the one question you kept asking repeatedly. and the answer is no. but thank you so much for seeing me through my awful state and for putting me back to the living room. thanks for the ride over to tampines too.

andrea -- i'm sorry i was awful company! i hope you had fun still though. next friday's still on alright. i love you.

--------------

it woke me up. after what happened, i learnt more about myself and more about my feelings. 'no space between me and yu can seperate us'. what yu said really is so true. everything happened. so many things came and went. but here we are. still standing here. and to say we're far apart is entirely wrong because we aren't. we never were. yu're right. we were together all along even when it seemed we weren't. i know this sounds totally weird, but when yu left this evening it felt like it was my fault yu left. i was really trying to act like it wasn't going to be so bad all, but it was. and i cried. because for a long while i haven't felt so close to yu as i did today. and i didn't want the night to end. love, yes. thats what i still feel for yu.

i can't be with you. i may like you, but i love him.

- everything's just temporary;
11:11 PM

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

seeing you for 10 hours every single day's terribly ... stressing me out because ... i really can't find the words to describe this feeling.

see why i need you out of my life? let's count down till next thurs. 1 week. 1 day. oh fuck. you're a dear, but bad girls need bad boys.

was it you telling me i'm too used to saying the opposite of how i feel?

well, it's your lucky day boy;
it's the truth.

- everything's just temporary;
9:54 PM

Monday, April 16, 2007

i'm getting used to arguing with him. but then again, it's lovely having him around. (: overall. it was a good weekend. true, the arguments persisted, but i think the feelings were stronger. espeacially tonight. (: it felt good going back to where it all started.it felt good sitting beside him, watching tv, the usual programmes, only better with him around. it felt nice having seen him handling that little girl who fell for him just by looking at him. the big friendly giant. (: yes, i got jealous of that little girl. for that period of time.

ilyumtyweb.

so, am i pretty?

- everything's just temporary;
12:27 AM

Thursday, April 12, 2007

mambo-ed ytd. 2 high boys. heh. drank more than usual. sigh. barcardi 151; whisky dry; lychee martini; orange vodka; sip of a.k. 47. DARREN S NOT GIVING ALAN ANYMORE OF SUCH DRINKS. ): then headed home early. daddy was happy. (: started work early this morning. sucks. met yl at 8 and was suffering from a bad hang over.

started work with yl today. spending 10 hours with him every single day. working day and night tomorrow. yea, i ain't having no life sweethearts. don't ask me out yea. anyways, having sleep over next fri and sat at my place. i think. house party. (: (: (: yl's getting the drinks. hm, hope HE comes. secret smile. he called today! (: (: (: (: (: with his little blue umbrella. grins.

describe the crowd at zouk. pfft.

- everything's just temporary;
8:21 PM

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

i love it this way.

no commitments.
no expectations.

licks lips. turns away. walks off.

lets see when this facade wears off.

- everything's just temporary;
8:26 PM

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

it's pretty empty, whats inside her. don't bother looking, you won't find much. she's still not going to come out of the door she was in long time ago. so many doors opened, so many doors entered halfway. but she's never going fully in. with every step she enters another door, her own one closes slowly upon her. not wanting to be shut out from that; that's the door to the memories she can't afford to lose. they make her who she is. they form her impression of you. the benchmark for the rest of the world. stupid door. all tattered and torn, all dirty and old, all abandoned and run-down. that's what everyone's been saying, from long ago. but that's not how she sees it. it's beautiful and new, sentimental and cozy, peaceful and perfect. no one sees it the way she does.

people only see and remember the bad part of the past. she doesn't. she remembers the good parts. every other door stares in envy of the one she has chosen. every other door feels like kicking the old door out. but they can't. she'll never step fully out of it. never. unless. unless someone enters her door to pull her out.

entrapped in his world, don't want to move out.
safe in his memories, protected by his warmth.
reassured by the symbols, loved by him.
prisoner in the game, contented by the fantasy.

how much faith can one have? really.

- everything's just temporary;
7:53 PM

Saturday, April 07, 2007

i don't know what is with me. when everyone's having fun i just like to keep quiet. you know. i like to absorb the things they're saying and process it in the brain. i enjoy the company, really i do. it's not that i'm bored or anything. i just like to watch and feel. feel the laughter, feel the sadness. sometimes you can just tell if it's real or not. but sometimes they hide it so well, you can only tell through the eyes.

i like to go through highways in silent. i like to feel i'm on top of the world, but then again i want to feel small. i feel like shouting whenever i'm right there. so when it's pretty quiet i can almost hear my thoughts shouting loudly in the mind. sometimes i wonder if you can hear it too. it's really loud. i like drives at night because there are hardly any cars around you feel like you're on a long open never ending highway. it brings my hope of being elsewhere near me. maybe it's the same reason i love reading. i love the idea of being engaged in the book to the extent that i have no idea what anyone else is saying. it happens. they all know. and they are all irritated. but it happens to everyone doesn't it? when i read a good book it's as if i'm there too. i hear them talk, feel them move. i'm part of them. short lived fantasy so be it.

it's not like i enjoy escaping from myself. i don't. but sometimes everybody says things and i just want to shut off in my own world. do you remember sometimes i'm pretty silent over the phone or i just lose out on what you're saying. i don't hear you. i think. i hear everything else but you. yet subconsciously your voice is there. so i can sort of go back to what you're talking about. but then again there are times i'm really completely shutting everything thats been said out. it's as if you never said anything.

if yu woke up crying, remember so did i.

drinks but no ciggarettes say the boys. they're al the same; these little playhouse creatures.

- everything's just temporary;
12:19 PM

what game you trying to play huh. telling others one thing and telling me another. if its the face you're trying to save again, lemme tell you the way you've gone about trying so hard to already made you lose all of it. so now boy, just go off to your destined area. don't gotta come back ey.

whatever.

did manicure at vivo! (: super fucking good. loved it entirely. with the messy hair screwed make up i just had to meet ainsley. dammit. hahas. then headed down to cannery on wed for our drinks with andrea.then cabbed down to o bar and dbl o cause the latter couldn't get in mos. had like 4 chops on my hand and it took super long for them to check if i'd gotten their chop. pfft. the crowd ain't that good there. colin and yean lih met up with us later on. standby mode? tsk. you don't gotta lie about it you know. hms. yl drove me back and colin andrea headed for supper. thought the crowd sucked, the company rocked and the fucking music was made fucking good by the DJ. (: he's really one of the best. (:

thurs met up with yl for lunch because i left mine and meisi's ic with him plus the ezlink and the nets. met alan and waited for andrea cause my make up stuff were with her. ha. went church visiting at night! its true ainsley the west filled with cool kids. grins.

had good friday mass in the morn before the gang hopped over to my place to watch passion of christ. hmms. interesting moment. don't feel like talking about it. headed down to rtc for family dinner then yl fetched me from there met up with andrea and lawerence for movie. THE HITCHIKER OR WHATEVER ITS CALLED SUCKS BIG TIME. DO NOT WATCH. headed to harry's at pier. chilled al. outings should be like that. a chill out. sweet o hara for the lady, heineken for the dude and a classic harry's 1992 for me. (: oh yea, bartender got me a glass of red wine. thank you. (: then headed to geylang to eat the lor 9 beef horfan. fucking good la. ahhas. yl drove andrea to yishun and we got stopped by the police. tsk. random checks. he drove back and i fell asleep. got lost, then found. eys yl. thanks for the hairbands! ahhas. and the ride home. i owe you a movie treat and a drink now. don't forget.

woke up this morning crying really fucking badly because of YU. i don't understand la! i don't understand! it's not like i didn't make things clear to yu! ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

happy easter al.

- everything's just temporary;
12:02 PM

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Pull up your pants (Just Like Em')
Take out the trash (Just Like Em')
You can dig cash like em'
Fast like em'
Girl you outta act like ya dig (What I'm talkin' bout')
Security codes on everything
Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring (Joint Account)
And another one he don't know about

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corna roll'n
Do'n my own thing
Ohh

What if I?
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?
Or would they still apply?
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Can't be get'n mad!
What You Mad?
Can't Handle that!
Can't be get'n mad!
What you mad?
Can't handle that!

Girl go head and be... (Just Like Em')
Go run the streets (Just Like Em')
come home late say sleep like em'
Creep like em'
Front with ya friends
Act hard when you're with em' like em' (What)
Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie
Always keep an anti-alibi (Keep Him In The Dark)
What he don't know won't break his heart

If I was always gone
With the sun get'n home (Would Ya Like That?)
Told you I was with my crew
When I knew it wasn't true (Would Ya Like That?)
If I act like you
Walk A mile off in yo shoes (Would Ya Like That?)
I'm mess'n with your head again
Dose of your own medicine

- everything's just temporary;
11:48 PM

Monday, April 02, 2007

had driving this morning. some old instructor making a hell lot of noise about the way i drive. just because why? i'm a LADY. sex discriminator. seriously made alot of criticisms about my changing lanes about blablablabla. i'm not the best driver, but i don't think i'm the worst either. i had so many other instructors before him and all of them were perfectly okay with the way i drove, the way i changed lanes and all. sure, i've my weak points but i learn and practise, get them correct and i'm settled. so ugh! give me a break ll you old man. dammit. ):

i need a break. but then again, i need to work. i want to work. yayaya. escape escape escape. whatever la. i need a break from myself. and for myself. so either jio me go bangkok or bali for a week long shopping or partying! either one. i agree with andrea. life for me, at this point of time. is to drink, slp, run, club, smoke, and it's a continuous vicious cycle.

time to wake up my idea. time to sit down and think, write, and stop lying to the self. start letting the heart talk and giving the mind a break. it's a play everyday when you dress up, smell good, look better. and then it's a rest everynight when you wipe off that fakeness. emotionally exhausting, psychologically screwed up.

someone messAged me last night about you. why still after 5 years, 5 fucking years, do you affect me so greatly. just the mention of your name and everything comes tumbling back. what do you think seeing you will do to me. this is crazy. only you can create chaos in My life. you've numbed the heart and turned it ice cold preventing anything else. a non-existence barrier created just for you, i've hidden all the emotions in your bOx. remember the huge box which contains all my memories all your memories. i can go on and on. and i don't want to stop. hey there friend from long ago. maybe you're the Sole reason causing me to continue living the lie.

060703

feel like running.

- everything's just temporary;
12:36 PM